One feels illuminated to read in Alex Parker’s article, “Double Standards,” that “guys don’t just suck here, they suck everywhere.” Apparently Parker has divined the true nature of every man on earth! How could she have accomplished this herculean feat? It seems Parker overheard a guy at another college conversing with chums about his ‘romantic entanglements.’ Parker could not, in good conscience, argue with such indisputable evidence. Obviously guys “suck everywhere.”
Parker ought to be thanked, though, for sharing this important information. Without it, one would have remained blissfully ignorant that one is destined to live a life of ‘suckiness,’ as it were. Perhaps one might beg Parker’s indulgence and ask for a reprieve from this cruel and ignominious fate. Surely Parker, the paragon of perspicacity, who is able to divine the character of the entire male species through the chance overhearing of a stray conversation, is omnipotent enough to grant such a request.